When letting go is the thing that keeps you going…
I’ve been really quiet on this blog for the past few months… and for a large part of that time, I was kind of beating up on myself for letting another weekend go by without posting.
In fact, I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 weeks wrestling with the idea of shutting the whole thing down and taking a big nap! LOL
The thing is, I love doing this… I love what I’ve created and I’m really proud of my achievements.
But I had to ask myself if that was enough to keep going?
Because focusing on what I had done and holding onto it just because I’d worked so hard on it may not be the best reason to keep working on it into the future…
You see, the greatest part of my healing journey has not really been about the food, the blood tests, the medication, the meditation or the antibodies (which is really easy to become obsessed with)… it’s really been about getting to know myself, figuring out who I am and what I want, oscillating about whether I like me (that was tough!) and then when all that was said and done, bravely putting my real self out into the world, teeny tiny bits at a time and getting comfortable with the differences both inside of me and the way others responded to me.
And when it’s all said and done, I gotta say I reckon healing Hashimoto’s has much more to do with going inwards and doing all that hard, icky and uncomfortable stuff than ditching the dairy or giving up gluten.
‘Cos, if you’ve read or looked around at the work of Louise Hay (may she rest in peace) you’ll see that most of the big symptoms related to Hashimoto’s is about fear, lack of self-love and inability to express one’s self.
It goes like this right… the most likely cause of hypothyroidism is ‘feeling hopelessly stifled’; most likely cause of adrenal problems is ‘defeatism, no longer caring for the self’; allergies are ‘denying of your own power’; anaemia could be ‘fear of life, not feeling good enough’; anxiety is ‘not trusting the process of life’; constipation is ‘being stuck in (and holding on to) the past’ pitted up against diarrhoea which is ‘fear and rejection’; Epstein Barr Virus is the ‘fear of not being good enough’; bloating/gas is ‘fear, undigested ideas’; inflammation is ‘fear, frustrations and anger”; pain is about ‘guilt’; thyroid ‘humiliation, the feeling of not getting to do what you want’.
And these are just a few examples (if you want to dive deeper for yourself, check out Louise’s book ‘ You can heal your life’)… but I’m sure you get the point.
I spent years torturing myself looking for that one thing if I did it (or didn’t do it), if I ate it or didn’t eat it or worse the combination of certain things, executed in a certain way well that was going to be the way to manage this condition and get better… and time and time again, I meet fellow Hashimoto peeps and we all seem to have that in common.
Now, I’m not saying that food doesn’t play a part, and I’m not saying that stress reduction techniques and learning to self-care isn’t important… they’re all part of the puzzle.
But for me, over the years those elements were only short term benefits and often times I was back in that cycle of frustration trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong or what I should be doing differently, meanwhile holding on tightly to all these strict ideas about what I though healing meant and afraid to deviate from the plan in case I got worse or sick again.
Fear. Guilt. Worry. Holding on.
These were all such repetitive themes in my life and my original approach to healing.
In the past year or so, I’ve redirected my energies to letting go (and I mean really letting go past hurts, pain, worry etc).
Leaning into my fear and trusting the process of life.
Looking in the mirror and liking who I see.
Putting myself out there (warts and all) without the fear of rejection, knowing that if someone has a problem with me that’s their problem, not mine.
Doing thing differently with no expectation of the outcome so that everything is a wonderful adventure.
And as I’ve recently settled into my new job/career and balanced the change while maintaining my health, I feel like it’s finally starting to pay off.
And getting back to my earlier opening about continuing to do this work… it was hard to watch my little blog gather dust these past few months while I prioritised easing into my new 9-5 full time job and keeping my self-care routine up.
And in the consideration of letting go of it or holding on to it for all the wrong reasons two wonderful things happened: one, my site went down for a week, so I get a sense of what it would feel like to live without out it and I gotta say it was both freeing and a little sad at the same time; and two, women came out of the shadows reaching out to me, asking me for input or just generally connecting with me over Hashimoto’s or my blog.
So, the circumvent-ous, long story is that… I’ve decided to hang around for a bit longer now.
In letting go, it’s all came back to me refreshed and invigorated and I’m so excited to share all the learnings I’ve been accumulating while I took some time out.
I hope you will continue (or join me) on this new phase of my healing journey.
“Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” Eckhart Tolle