The disconcertedness of good health… it’s kinda eery.
I’ve been edgy and fractious for the past few days… feeling quite unlike the ‘me’ I’ve come to know (and love) these past few years, and a little bit more like the ‘old me’ of years gone by.
Grumpy, jumpy and on-the-go… doing, doing, doing.
But at the same time, wandering aimlessly, irritable and searching for something elusive and just out of reach.
Do you know that feeling I’m talking about?
And it hit me like a sledge hammer this morning… all is well in my world and there’s nothing wrong.
I know, it sounds crazy right?
All of it.
To be fair, I’ve known for some time that I’ve moved on from many of the Hashimoto symptoms that have plagued me for over 30 years… but I think the thing that has sent me into a spiralling, whirly-whirl of dis-ease with myself is that one of my long term wellness practitioners confirmed it.
My much loved and highly valued acupuncturist gave me a tune-up this past week and was like, ‘you’re all good. there’s a bit of tweaking to improve things but nothing major.”
At the time I was chuffed and quite proud of myself… but later that day and over the next day or so, I found myself being all fractious and feeling discontent.
Yep… and I feel crazy even writing about it here.
I’ve gone backwards, into the old, quite ugly and gnarly parts of myself that I thought were long gone because I’ve been told that all the hard work I’ve been doing, all the changes and the sacrifices to get well has… actually worked.
And without realising it these past few days, I guess some part of me was aimlessly looking around for the answer to that elusive little question, ‘what now’?
I have literally been consumed for the better part of the last 20 years in trying to work out what the hell was wrong with me.
It has been more like an ‘obsession’ for the past four years since I was finally diagnosed with Hashimoto’s.
And now… now I’ve really found that sweet spot that seems to be working across all aspects of my life… it’s all come together now to a way of life and actually living that’s working for me and I somehow don’t know what to do with it.
But because I don’t quite know what to make of it, that old anxious part of myself has stepped out the shadows and gone “over here, I can help! Let’s trawl back through every mistake, every failure, every word, every relationship, every job and I’m sure we can find something for you to worry about and beat yourself up about” LOL
Well, it wasn’t quite that bad, but I’m sure you get the gist of it.
Part of the healing journey I’m now finding is getting comfortable with being okay and feeling well… it’s eerily disconcerting and a far cry from where I started.
But since I figured out what the disconnect was… I’m now leaning in and doing my best to get more comfortable with the uncomfortable-uneasiness-of-being-long-term-sustainably-healthy and Hashimoto symptom free.
“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going”. Anon